


A Million Reasons

by OnceUponACastleOfRizzles



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV), sq - Fandom, swan queen - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 09:36:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9118039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceUponACastleOfRizzles/pseuds/OnceUponACastleOfRizzles
Summary: If you take away anything from this story, let it be that there can be so many bad reasons outweighing one good reason, but if that one good reason, is more powerful than the bad reasons collectively then shouldn’t you listen to that one good one?





	

**Author's Note:**

> So it's probably terrible, I don't even know how I got here but hey here we go.  
> If you haven't guessed a million reasons by lady gaga was the inspiration.  
> Mention of attempted suicide just a forewarning.

Regina never thought she’d fall in love again. Not after Daniel. When he died, it changed her. She became more reserved, her walls went up, and her anger was set free. The anger wasn’t triggered then and there though. It lay, hidden, slowly festering until it was ready for its big debut. 

After being forced to marry someone she didn’t love and was so much older than her she just felt numb. And alone. She was surrounded by people all day every day, and yet, she felt alone. Being alone wasn’t all that bad though. When she was alone, that meant the king wasn’t with her and she would take being alone a million times over than having to spend time with a king she loathed.

Even though she preferred it to the alternative, it didn’t make living in that castle any easier. She didn’t want to be there. She wished she could just go down to the stables, steel a horse, and ride off into the sunset until she couldn’t ride anymore. She wanted to be free. Alas, as long as she was stuck under the kings - as well as her mother’s - reigns she was not going anywhere. And it weighed on her. She even tried to kill herself once. She would never admit to it, she would claim it was an accident, that the railing was just loose is all. There was no way she forcibly pushed and pushed until it broke and she fell. It was an accident. It was. Truly.

Unfortunately – I mean, thankfully for Regina, a fairy saved her from the fall and returned her to her room. Regina was momentarily confused as to how she suddenly found herself falling in reverse and back to the balcony.

She never forgot that day when Tinkerbell saved her. Her life could have ended there and she wouldn’t be where she was now. So she was grateful for being saved. That wasn’t how she felt at the time, but now she was grateful. Even though she was hurting slightly at the moment. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Time was irrelevant for Regina for a long time whilst she was in that castle. Everything just felt like a never ending nightmare. Even in the day.

When Regina found out that it was Snow White who blabbed to her mother about her escape with Daniel her anger was ignited. The fuse was lit and it was getting ever so close to the explosion. Regina had to leave the room before she did something drastic. She went to her room to be alone, unfortunately for her she had a visitor.

Rumpelstiltskin.

She had summoned him once before when she found her mother’s magic book. She never thought she’d see him again really. But there he was, in her room, waiting.

She soon found out that he had brought her a gift. A mirror. She didn’t want a mirror, she had so many mirrors, why would she need another mirror? She didn’t. This mirror was a special mirror though, at least that’s what he had told her. She wasn’t quite sure if she believed him or not but she hasn’t been given a reason not to trust what he was saying, though of course he has never given her a reason to trust what he’s saying either, so whichever way you swing it, it’s probably a bad idea. Regina didn’t really care much anymore though.

She wasn’t going to use the mirror, which she found out was the gateway to another realm. Wonderland she believed. Not that it necessarily mattered where it lead to as long as it was somewhere else. But one day, she found herself pondering, what if she went through the mirror herself? She knew her mother would just follow her though, it’s not like she could destroy the mirror once she went through; she’d be found. No matter how big the other land was.

She didn’t set out to push her mother through it either. But the bomb exploded inside her. The anger was set off. It was happening. She watched as her mother clung to the sides of the mirror trying to keep herself from falling through. She was going to push her again but her mother, using magic on her once again, restrained her from being able to move. It almost worked. But the anger was set off. And nothing was going to stop it from achieving its goals now. Not even her mother’s restraints.

The moment her mother was through the portal she felt free. Not fully free, as she was still stuck in this marriage she never wanted, but she felt freer than she had ever felt before. And that was a wonderful thing to be able to feel for the first time in her life.

And thus The Evil Queen was born.

Of course it took her time to grow into herself, like any new born. Her mother was just the first to experience it. But that was nothing compared to what she’d become. What she’d do. She never did quite manage to achieve her goal though. Killing Snow White. It was the one goal that would never let itself be scored. In hindsight it was probably for the best. If she had killed Snow White, Emma Swan would not have been born. And Emma Swan was special. Emma Swan, was the woman The Evil Queen - Regina Mills, fell in love with. Which by all accounts is utterly ridiculous. But fate had a funny way of working in life. Fate is also a bitch. But fate knew that and she thrived on it.

When Regina first met Emma Swan, Emma was actually a baby. Weird I know. But it’s not like she knew when she met her she’d fall in love with her. She was a baby for Christ sake. And Regina was in Evil Queen Mode. She was actually attempting to enact a dark curse which sent everyone to a place where no one would get their happy endings. You know, as you do, just like any other regular day in the Enchanted Forest.

The cursed failed.

She shouldn’t have trusted Rumpelstiltskin. Why she thought she could after all the years that she knew him she would honestly never know. Sometimes you have to take a chance though. And The Evil Queen was no wimp.

They locked her up in the dungeon when it failed. She went willingly. She had truly lost everything now. She had to kill the one person she had left to love to even try to get the curse to work. She lost her father that day. He didn’t deserve it. She didn’t want to do it. But she was in too deep. Her anger had too much freedom, it had overtaken the good part of her. Regina Mills died that day too. The Evil Queen was fully grown then. But when it failed, when the Evil Queen failed, a small part of Regina came back. It was tiny. You wouldn’t have been able to notice it if you could see inside her. But she was there. Faint. But alive.

She didn’t know how long she was locked in that dungeon. They had the help of the blue fairy to put a curse on her cell. She wouldn’t age. Not a day, or a minute, or even a second. She would never grow hungry, so she wouldn’t die from hunger. She would never be thirsty, so she wouldn’t die from dehydration. She couldn’t die. Period. She would live forever, alone, in a dark dungeon.

Even though she didn’t know how long she was in there. She knew it was a long, long time. Years, decades even, it didn’t matter. She needn’t count. Forever was infinite. For the second time in her life, time was irrelevant.

That meant she had a lot of time alone with her thoughts. There was a battle within her. Regina Mills vs The Evil Queen. Of course The Evil Queen was the stronger of the two, she was the one who had the courage to do everything Regina Mills did not, she was the one with all the power, she was the one who had taken over most of her heart. But even the smallest mouse can defeat a mouse trap, and Regina Mills could defeat The Evil Queen. Or at least over throw her and become the stronger half.

But Regina Mills was both herself, and The Evil Queen. They were one person. Which over time, she came to understand. She accepted herself as a whole. Her anger and her love. Her darkness and her light. And she became better because of that. She was a better person. No person was good or bad. Or black or white. There are multiple shades that lie between, and that’s where she lay. Her evil and her good became one in her time in the dungeon and she felt at peace.

Maybe this was her heaven. Sure she couldn’t die, but when people die, they should be at peace when they’re laid to rest. And if Regina Mills could not die, but she could rest in peace, that was enough for her.

She had been alone for so long without any visitors that when there was actually someone standing at the door looking through the bars directly at her, she thought she was hallucinating. It wouldn’t have been the first time.

That was the day she met Emma Swan. Again. Only this time she was a fully grown adult, probably the same age as Regina herself.

“Hi,” The blonde had said casually.

Regina just stared at her for a second. She contemplated not answering in the first place. She was just a hallucination right? But it’s not like she had anything better to do so why not indulge in her hallucinations?

“Hello,” She said in reply with a questioning hint to her tone whilst looking at the blonde curiously.

“You come here often?” The blonde tried to joke.

“So often it’s practically home now,”

The blonde just smiled pleased that the brunette was joining in with her banter.

“That is a lot indeed. It’s my first time here, care to show me around?”

Regina just looked around her cell before deciding to continue.

“Well over here we have a glorious view of the opposite wall, and over there some light decorative cobwebs, and here a lovely bench that can also transform into a bed for your late night needs.”

“Wow it’s so glorious, I am envious.”

“Oh I have no doubt that you are. As you should be.”

There was an awkward silence momentarily.

“I’m Emma, what’s your name?”

“My name? It’s been so long I don’t even know anymore.” She did know, of course, but there was power in a name, and she did not know this person.

“How about I guess?”

“Guess?”

“Yeah! If I guess correctly we’ll make a deal.”

“Guess my name? Make a deal? I am not Rumpelstiltskin my dear.”

“Oh I know Regina,” Emma opened her eyes wide, clearly having not meant to have said her name.

“Dammit I wasn’t meant to say that.”

Regina felt a tiny smirk appear on her mouth at the blonde’s clumsiness. She wondered if she was as clumsy in other aspects of life as well as her speech.

If the blonde already knew her name it was pointless denying it really.

“Nobody has called me that for a long time.”

“You’ve been here for a long time.”

“Yes, true, but even before I was here I hadn’t heard that name for a while.” Even her father never out right said Regina. It was always terms of endearment. Always.

“It’s a beautiful name.” The blonde said as she looked deep into Regina’s eyes.

Regina’s breath hitched in her throat. She felt light sparks of something fluttering inside her. She’d felt something similar to this feeling before, only once, but she had felt it.

“Thank you.” Regina said without returning the compliment even though she found the other woman’s name to be just as beautiful.

“I’ve heard stories about you,” The blonde said after they were in silence for a minute.

“I have no doubt that you have.”

“Looking at you now, I find them very hard to believe.”

“Looks can be deceiving.”

“True, or maybe you’ve been here for so long, you aren’t the same person as you once was.”

“Oh I’m still the same, I am just… better.” She couldn’t think of any other way to put into words who she was now. She hadn’t been truly herself for a long time. She was either one half of herself, or the other, but never herself as a whole. And finally being her whole self, she no longer felt, for lack of a better term, sick. She was better. She knew who she was now. Regina. Various shades of good, bad, evil, love, and any other kind of trait or emotional you could think. She was it all. A perfect mix.

They talked about many things that visit. For a first time meeting the conversation got way too deep. Regina didn’t have a full grasp on reigning her thoughts in though as she hadn’t spoken to another person in so long; it was nice to talk even about the worst or best times of her life. They became friends that day.

Regina never really expected Emma to come back after that. But she did. She came back every day for the next year. They learnt all about each other. It’s the best friendship either of them have ever had. Emma brought Regina gifts. Once time Regina had told her she missed being able to read. She loved to read. She loved getting lost in alternative worlds and falling for the characters and she missed being able to do that. Emma took it upon herself to bring Regina a new book every day even if Regina hadn’t caught up yet, she still brought them.

On one of her visits Emma told Regina that her parents are arranging a marriage for her. This caused Regina to think about when her marriage to Leopold was arranged and she really felt for Emma then. She wanted to reach through the bar and hold her hand. To comfort her. But she couldn’t reach through, the spell wouldn’t let her. For the longest time Regina had never once thought about getting out of this cell. She had never needed or wanted to get out either. But at that moment, she was cursing every single person keeping her trapped in her mind. She wished she could get out and take Emma and run for the hills. This shocked Regina slightly. The last time she ever wanted to run away with someone was Daniel. But she was in love with Daniel. Did that mean she loved Emma? No… could it? She didn’t know.

One day she was lying on her uncomfortable bed which she had grown used to by then, when Emma came running into the dungeon heading straight for Regina. She had told Regina she had come to set her free. At which Regina laughed and said “Good one, dear.” And lay her head back down and closed her eyes.

The next thing she knew she had felt a poking on her shoulder. She opened her eyes and Emma was standing above her. “Emma,” she gasped out. She was so confused. Neither of them said anything. Emma just held out her hand waiting for Regina to grab on it. Regina hesitated before reaching out and finally grasping Emma’s hand. She felt warmth flow through her. Then she was being pulled towards to door of the cell at which she stopped before stepping over. She didn’t need to know how Emma had done it. She didn’t need to know anything. She looked into Emma’s eyes and she felt the trust she had for her overwhelm her and they ran out of there together.

When they had got outside Regina took a deep breath. She never thought she’d feel the sun again, or smell the fresh air or see the beautiful hues of life. She didn’t have time to pause and take everything in though as she was mid escaping of course. She would have used her magic but she hadn’t used it in so long she was very rusty and she didn’t want to risk falling off the edge of the earth or something ridiculous like that.

They made it to a carriage that was waiting of them and Emma had pushed Regina inside. She didn’t get in with her though.

“Emma, wait,”

“Regina there’s no time you need to go,”

“Come with me,” Regina said with hope in her voice.

Emma didn’t answer. Instead she pulled Regina to her and kissed her with everything she had. It didn’t last long enough for either of them. “I have to stay here, Regina.” Emma said with tears in her eyes. “But why,” Emma didn’t really know why. She just knew she couldn’t leave. So instead of answering she kissed Regina one more time before pushing her back into the carriage, locking the door and telling the driver to go.

“Emma!” Regina had shouted out the little window of the carriage. They both watched each other growing smaller with distance, heartbroken to say the least.

What would Regina do without Emma? What would Emma do without Regina?

Emma wanted her to be free, free from the dungeon, and free to live her life. She felt Regina deserved that. But she was too scared to leave with her. She was afraid of everything. What would her parents do? What would everybody say? There was a million reasons why she stayed that day. But she found that none of those reasons where the one that mattered.

Emma loved Regina. That much she knew. And even though that love was forbidden, she regretted not going with Regina though once she left. She felt stupid that she could ever have thought being away from Regina was better than being with her. She couldn’t. Why did she stay? She didn’t know.

Her feelings for Regina confused her, but so did her feelings for her parents. She loved them both. She wanted to be with Regina, but she wanted her parents to accept her. She found that the latter didn’t matter anymore. But it was too late. Regina was gone. What had she done?

Regina cried in that carriage. She was hurting. Emma had sent her away, that hurt more than anything. Why would she set her free, just to abandon her? Regina had never been so confused.

She was going to let the carriage take her wherever it led. But she couldn’t. She stuck her head out the window and yelled at the driver to stop the carriage. He didn’t listen. Regina was annoyed. She sat there thinking. _Magic._ She tried to poof herself out of the carriage once… Nothing. She tried again… Nothing. She breathed in deeply and closed her eyes and thought of Emma and the love she had for her then tried one final time.

Emma was just starting to reluctantly walk back to the castle when a puff of purple smoke appeared in front of her. When it disappeared Regina was stood there with her eyes closed. Emma felt so happy in that moment she couldn’t move, she just smiled.

Regina didn’t want to open her eyes. If the magic didn’t work she didn’t think she would have had the heart to try again and fail. She had to open them though. And when she did, and saw Emma, standing there smiling at her she forgot that she was mad and ran to Emma without a care in the world. She ran into her arms and kissed her like her life depended on it. _Emma._

They both pulled away from the kiss but still embraced each other.

“You’re an idiot.”

“I know.”

“As long as you know.” Regina said and pulled Emma back in to kiss her.

Emma found that the castle didn’t feel like home anymore. Regina was her home. And she wanted to stay with her home. She just needed one reason to stay.

Regina leant her forehead forward to rest on Emma’s.

“I love you, Emma.” And there it was. The one reason Emma needed. The only good reason that mattered. There was a million reasons that Emma stayed at the castle that day, letting Regina walk away, or ride away as it were, but none of them where good enough.

“I love you too.”

It was decided in that moment that they would stay together. Because they loved eachother. And love is the best reason for anything.

* * *

 

If you take away anything from this story, let it be that there can be so many bad reasons outweighing one good reason, but if that one good reason, is more powerful than the bad reasons collectively then shouldn’t you listen to that one good one?

**Author's Note:**

> Congratulations you made it to the end!  
> So thoughts?


End file.
